I have thought about writing this post for a really long time. But I haven’t had the courage to do it, until now. It’s a really sore spot for me too write about, for some it might be a small issue. But this has been haunting me for many years. Since I started my blog I have had a really hard time opening up about insecurities and my personal issues. I don’t want to come across as a victim or for that matter, people taking advantage of my insecurities and using it against me. It took me a while, to realize that showing emotions. Doesn’t mean that I’m weak or a victim.
I have been dealing with low self-esteem on everyday bases, I have never been fully confident. From a kid til I was 15 years, I have always been the chubby kid. But I always had skinny legs and arms. So my fat areas was mainly on my back, stomach and face. But when I turned 16, my body started to change and I lost a lot of weight. Which I at that time, was so thankful for. For all of a sudden my wardrobe options was unlimitied and I gained a lot of confidence. But this was just for a short time. I have always till this day, had a hard time gaining weight, no matter how much I eat or train. It’s just something that seems unrealistic for me to reach my goal weight (Right now, I weigh 74 kg, which is the heaviest I’ve weighed). This has caused me to have a really low self-esteem. It’s something that I’m struggling with everyday and it doesn’t really make it that much easier when people on the streets notices it. Comments on it. And it’s have effected me so much, that I have considered getting surgery to look thicker. So my figure won’t look as skinny as it is. Especially being a influencer on social media, I feel pressured to look good at all times. I have never been a person that has felt pressured to follow trends, but watching people on Instagram, with thick and muscular bodies. Has made a really big impact on how I see myself.
For a really long time I have considered getting cosmetics surgery, butt implants. So my body would appear more thick. It has even gone so far that I have even found a plastic surgeon, that I almost made an appointment.
#Selflove! But I’m starting to learn that I have to appreciate the way that I look and love me, for who I’m. Love myself for the way God created me and remembering that God made every person different for a reason. It has taken me a really long time to realize this and it’s something that I need to constant remind myself. It’s a working progress, but I know that God is watching and it’s something that I will overcome with time.
Au Revoir, peepz!